When I was a child, I had a vision of what my life would be like. I imagined myself living in a big house out in the country with lots of kids. I imagined being super involved with school and activities and church. I imagined hanging out with great friends and family. I imagined feeling peace and joy and completeness.
So here I am. I live in one of the biggest cities in the US. I have 3 kids partly because I couldn't handle more, but partly because living in LA, I couldn't afford more. My family is a plane ride away, as well as some of my greatest friends. I am definitely busy with school and activities, yet they are a lot more stressful than I envisioned. Serving in the church is something that has brought me a lot of joy, but I am constantly feeling inadequate.
Life is just harder and more confusing than I ever thought it would be. I find myself searching for more. I have never really felt like this in my life before. I just feel like there is something more I need to do, but I'm not quite sure what it is. It has been weighing me down.
So now I am trying to trudge through this "rough patch" without going too far off the deep end (don't worry, I am not going to high tail it to the nearest body piercing parlor...and believe me, I wouldn't have to go far). I think it will involve a little letting go (especially of some of the unrealistic expectations I may have), and a lot of soul searching...
(Me, back in the day...after marriage, but before babies)
2 comments:
Are you sure you weren't going to say 40, rather than 50? :)
I agree--this is a much trickier part of life than I would have imagined . . . and it's not easy letting go of all those unrealistic expectations of what things should be like. I hope you will be able to find some peace with it all before too long. . . .
This would be a great late night conversation for us!!
Miss you.
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